I, Me and Myself

Sunday, May 28, 2006

my tomorrow

"when i grow up, i want to become a doctor. a heart suregon.
i want to save other peoples lives. i will also help the poor and treat them for free.
i want to become a doctor because they can help other people."

few lines from my essay writing "what you want to be when you grow up", from my second standard note book.
i never really understood why i had to write this essay, three a times a year, one for every term exam, from second standard all the way upto the eight. just the title changed from simple "what you want to become when you grow up" to the more appropriate " my ambition in life".
the titles kept changing and as i think of it now, i stuck to my ambition. i had my future chalked out. where i would study after my tenth, what i wanted to specalise in. what i want to do tomorrow when i grow up...
its the future now. five years since my tenth. i m grown up now. none of my new friends even know that i wanted to become a doctor!!
the past week, i have been thinking. as i sat on my terrace, i watched the world below.
my solitude spoke to me. suddenly, i could not forgive myself for that day when i silently gave up on my dream to become a doctor because i was too scared to try.
after all dreams were just that right, not reality.

as life moved on, i kept changing with it... making newer adjustments to suit my way of living.. taking precautions not to dream. not to be rejected.

and today, after all these years, somewhere lost in the past, i found the dissapointed younger myself. the one who was inspired after a tall heart surgeon, dressed in green had saved the life of her sister and she had vowed to do the same for others. and i could not face her.
how could i have given up so easily?
her first ever dream. my first dream.
as i sit on my comp now, two in the morning. i think of everything i gave up because i never tried hard enough. the images kept flashing in my head like it was yesterday, except it was not.
i read in a book some where that there is a reason for everything, perhaps at that moment an event ocurs we have neither the insight nor the foresight to comprehend the reason;but with time and patience it will come to light.
in exactly six days i ll be done. my life an open book. every word i write upon it a responsible mistake. i m still wating for my light.
my tomorow is here.
... and i m scared.

Posted by vidi :: 12:09 PM :: 14 wisecracks:

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