I, Me and Myself
Monday, May 30, 2005
being in love“…And I hope you are the one I share my life with,
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray that you’re the one I build my home with…
I hope I love you all my life….”
__Daniel Bedingfield, If your not the one.
Everybody says its great to be in love. Many describe it as an out of body experience that does not compare to anything in this world and many says it gives a reason to live.
What a whole load of crap!!!!!!!…. now don’t take me wrong but isn’t that a bit exaggerated? Personally I have never been in love, not that I know of anyway. My whole life I have searched for this feeling that brings unconditional happiness in one’s life. I have seen many of my friends be in this “love” kinda feeling. Actually theirs is the puppy kind of love that usually exists in college life. They do seem happy but all I get out of them is a desperation that makes them seem almost helpless. They go red, mumble stupid stuff, I mean really stupid stuff, you can’t get them to stop talking about him or in their terms “the special one without whom their life is meaningless” (Whatever!!!!) and there’s one more thing, they cant seem to stop smiling the whole time!!!Sheesh……..kabab!!!!! ….I know (Inside joke).
Ever since, I have been very skeptical of love or whatever that is. I am a very practical person and rarely let my heart rule over my head. I don’t believe too much in relationships coz I cant imagine, well…liking a guy for a really long time to call it a respectable relationship. I mean everybody has crushes, even there u are so sure that the feeling is going to last forever, it somehow always seems to go away and there’s nothing u can do to feel for that person anymore. Thanks to all this I have gotten the almost cold hearted –winter queen attitude among my friends coz I just don’t feel that much….that they know of.
So,…….. the real reason why I am writing this article. He he he … (sheepish laugh) well……. Today I met the cutest guy around..(need I say more??). I have had crush on him for quite some time though he has absolutely no idea(thank god). I happen to think he is very cute ( just reaffirming established fact) but I never told anyone coz I didn’t think its that big a deal. I just let such feelings pass and don’t pay too much attention to this.
Soooooo…. I met him again today… He’s an acquaintance and as soon as I saw him…my face went red (which is a big thing for me coz I rarely go …well……..red.)Then I started mumbling the stupidest things in the world….I mean u spend ur whole life learning complicated words and watch the daily news and movies so u are aware of all the current events especially when ur doing a course in journalism and …..BAAMM…….. when u need it the most, the smart part of u gets automatically shut!!!!…nothing…and I mean nothing smart comes to ur mind other than ….
“so what are u upto”??????!!!!!!!!aaahhhhhhhhhhh……stupid female harmones that affect the proper functioning of the brain…… and then I went on to declare my ‘intelligence’ by more stupid things that I would not even dare to write down. But I soon recovered and made him laugh at my stupid jokes(thank god he’s not tthhaaaaaaaaaaattt smart……. not in a bad way). Well he left and I did a kind of victory dance…..apparently I did not get the difference between making a good, smart and funny impression from a stupid, overacting and desperate one!!!!!!.
But what struck me was that even now nearly six hours after meeting him, I cant stop smiling. ….I tired and I just cant stop.… I smiled all the way to my friend’s place, drove her insane by non stop talk about him and turned red whenever I thought about him…..I smiled like an idiot all the way back and am sure people thought I am slightly off my rockers…that’s ok…they don’t know how it is to be in love…right?!
Guess I’m normal after all!!!!!;)
Friday, May 27, 2005
just letting go.....Yesterday I spent the entire day with kutty and rara. We had great fun. Rara couldn’t stay for long so me and kutty hung out. First we started out with making stuff for rara’s sister’s wedding. We had to make some extremely creative stuff and I did not fare too badly (except that rara had to go home and literally rip open my work and re-do them!!) kutty was the smart one and accepted that she was creatively challenged and chose to first read the day’s paper from cover to cover (literally) first in English and then in Malayalam and then kicked back with battery’s ICSE marks and school photographs!!!!! She could not be distracted even if the epicenter hit home!!!. After three hours of no power, no water and no food(seriously), we eventually had some kinda lunch quite contrary to what my mommy had in mind. I, then stared belting out some songs by Shania Twain in ode to the dark weather outside. I sing pretty well (quite contrary to what many people think and say) and rara got all emotional. Kutty again took the smart way out and immediately fell asleep(not very surprised) and me and rara got talking about stuff. Soon we got bored and woke up kutty. Then rara left, and as usual me and kutty, the foodies, left for corner house ,a regular customer and had a big Death By Chocolate (with rum n rasins ice cream and chocolate ice cream with chocolate chip cookies)!!!YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…
Nothing matched it. We finished it in the record time of under five minutes… so we were quite jobless and kutty felt like having brown bomb!! Now we did not know what brown bomb was so kutty acted like a small kid and kicked up a big fuss about having it. I thought that it was a little too much of chocolate and neither of us had any necessity to put on any more weight. But trust kutty not to understand. Like a sly fox or should I say vixen, she waited till I went into the loo and then immediately ran to the dude and ordered a Brown bomb which turned out to be a specially made brownie, heated up with ur flavour ice cream and sauce!!!!! Mmmmmm…Heaven… but still second to Death By Chocolate!!!!! Finally I and kutty got started about love lives and guess who she thought I was in love with??? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
I couldn’t stop laughing….and now don’t send me comments asking me who it is coz I’m not telling. Then we went to the church and I prayed real hard. We both walked to the church and spoke bout everything under the sun, it was just like how we used to hang out during theater after a long time. We used to have a long practice and then always went out for dinner no matter how late.
We spent an hour just sitting in the church and talking about what we were going to do in our future and off course battery!!!!!! After that we headed towards Koramangala as it was getting really late. We thought we would just have a drink somewhere and ended up in transit and had dinner not caring how late we were……deja` vu!!!
Sometimes its very important to just let go and let life take you on its course. Who knows like the Brown Bomb, it just might be worth it!!!
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Boyfriends!!!!!!!!I have more than a hundred boyfriends. For all those shocked, I mean friends who just happened to be boys!!! The term BOYFRIEND has been so overrated that it saddens me to see that today a boy and girl cant just be friends without everybody pointing fingers.
I am honestly asking you, cant a boy and girl be just friends? There are millions of theories that say that the boy and girl will be attracted to each other at some point of time. Technically one can agree to this. For friendship to happen there has to be some kind of mental stimulation and only people who share chemistry can be good friends. The greater the chemistry, the greater the friends. You have to necessarily like a person, to be his or her friend. There has to be some “attraction”, whether in the same sex or different sex friendship. Now to rate this attraction as sexual in nature is where the statistics go wrong.
When I entered college at the age of 16, it was my first experience even talking normally to boys. I had studied in an all girls’ school for my entire life and did not even have a brother or neighbors who were boys. So here I was in a co-ed college and no prior experience to boys. First I was very shy, soon I realized that boys were the same and I had no idea why having being close to boy friends was so over the top. But the first time a boy called my place, I had to convince my parents that he was just a friend and had to restore to the age old Indian syndrome “he is my rakhi brother” !!! At that point I did not know what to believe. I believed in something but I guess as usual the society believed in something else.
Later in life in met a very good friend who happened to be a boy. Ika and me shared a spontaneous chemistry and have been great friends ever since. Even though I met him only two years ago, people mistake us for childhood friends. I am more comfortable with him than many of my girlfriends. I can talk to him about anything under the sun and not feel “sexually different”. Can I help it? Now you may say, I have many childhood friends like that. Presiclsely, when I meet him I was not a child and I knew what could happen between us or rather he knew. On the second day of our friendship I remarked how he reminded me of a younger brother I never had. He immediately took my hand and told me “ We are friends now, but if tomorrow we happen to like each other, then we may go around and even end up married, otherwise we may just stay good friends. Nobody can predict the future and I would rather not have you cut of the possibility of our romantic life by calling me your brother”!!! I was so shocked by what he said and suddenly it hit me how true it was. His honesty made me believe that a boy and girl can remain just friends. I am sure ujju will agree with me.
Nowadays if you are single and with a boy and hang out with him then it is assumed that you must be in love with him. Even parents (especially girls) have a problem with their kids having a very close: call up all the time, hang out all the time and have lunch or watch movie alone with: friend of the opposite sex. Why can’t I enjoy the company of a boy and be closer to him than you are because I get along better with him and like hanging out with him and not because I am romantically interested in him???? (This one is for kutty)
Now don’t mistake me. I am not saying that all boys and girls cant have anything between them but it’s just that the society has created this stupid sex difference that has almost made it compulsory that you must feel for every boy you are friends with because..Well millions of statistics say that a boy and girl cant be friends …then they must be true, Right ???WRONG… trust me.
Throw the stats to where they belong, the dump (subliminal msg to need of stats in psycho pracs too!). They don’t get it that sometimes having a friend of the opposite sex is quite a relief and a welcome change. As the generation is changing and parents are becoming more accommodating, it’s these stupid friends who put ideas into your head that will not only make the friendship uncomfortable but also eventually ruin it. Everyone might say that “I totally believe a boy and a girl can be just friends”, but they are just waiting for some one to start commenting how “a boy and girl friend don’t do things like that ya..”. So heed my advice before its too late. Be friends with whomever you want. If people start questioning why you are so close to a friend of the opposite sex….well then put them next to the stupid stats.
Have a blast and if something happens between the two of you…congratulations…sometimes. …friends are better lovers:)
Saturday, May 21, 2005
A ToastWhen I came back from my pondy trip, I thought I had done it all only to be welcomed into theater. The millions of memories will always stay with me and I will never forget the friends I made there. I initially intended to propose a toast during the casa picola dinner but was not able to ..so here goes. This for all you guys of SnL
For all the seven o clock blues
For all the work outs (ahem) and voice warm ups!
For the times when the boys got slapped
For the times Faustus forgot his lines
For the time Clemu thought she was wearing nothing
Underneath her cloak!!!
For the times Mephisto was scandalised
For all the Malayalam learned by the cast
For the times when everyone lost their voice
For the times when josh’s pants came downJ
For the times when ram felt like walking out
For all the ego clashes and bad sweat (eeyuck..)
For all the dance/work hassles and B.P attacks
For all the chocolates, for all the lunches
For all the rejections during sponsorship
For all the tears
For all the laughter
For all the sacrifices,
For all the success
For everything…including Tasmina!
Here’s to the best team in the world. November 04---January 05.
Ciao
Friday, May 20, 2005
why men only??????So I watched the movie Hitch the other day and it was quite an experience. I connected to the movie with the very first dialogue of Will Smith when he says “ No woman wakes up everyday and says..God, I hope I’m not swept off my feet today” .!! The truth hit me and made me realise that woman even today expect the man to do everything. From the initial ‘asking them out’ to paying for the dates to proposing them for marriage… it’s a preconceived notion dating back to god –alone- knows- which- century ,that according to me totally overrated.
Infact I have many friends today who think that women cant ask men out! I don’t see their point… aren’t guys as nervous as girls to profess love or infatuation or whatever it is that they feel towards a special girl and wont it affect their bank balance if they spent all their savings on the girl.
I do understand and think that it is completely romantic for a guy to ask a girl out and insist on paying for the dates but then that is only chivalry that cant go on for ever. Going Dutch is in style. When women fought for equal rights in all fields I am hoping she even thought of coughing up for the dates.
I have a friend k.mala whose boyfriend insisted on sharing the bills for many of their outings and even asked her to pay for the fuel to drop her home. Maybe the fuel went a bit too far but at the end of the day it’s about getting treated equally in a relationship.
Now, now don’t get all judgmental. I am not a feminist writing this article to say that women have to do everything that men do. I totally believe the opening lines of Hitch. I too wake up every morning waiting for my prince in shining Armour to show up and whisk me away on his white horse. I’m not trying to tell you that fairy tales don’t come true becoz I truly believe that they do, when you believe in them. All I’m trying to state here is why wait for a man to start the fairytale when you could do it yourself. Go on, ask him out. My friend did this. The guy unfortunately wasn’t available but at least she did her part and I applaud that. What’s wrong in telling how you feel whether you are a boy or a girl? If u don’t want to, then its fine. But u shouldn’t wait for him to take all the steps while you stand stationery. Maybe it’s more common in the western society but here women almost consider it taboo. Many of my friends are genuinely interested in guys that have lasted more than a year and it’s sad to see them wait for something to happen from their side. At least if you go and tell hem how you feel, you are doing something about it. It may not be the smartest of plans becoz he just might reject you but then at least you can move on. At least you can sleep without any regrets and ten years down the line; you can live happily with whom ever you are with rather than waste ur time imagining what your life would have been like if u had told “him” and if he had agreed.
I guess that’s life biggest mystery, for two people to never know that they always loved each other.
ciao
To-day, is gonna be the day
that their gonna throw it back to you
by -now you should have
somehow realized what you got to do
I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do
about you now….
…. And all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there, are blinding
there are many things that I would like to say to you
but I don’t know how….
_ Oasis, Wonder Wall
So how difficult is it really to be honest???? To say exactly what you feel like saying? Just today I was complaining to kutty about something and she directly shut me up by telling me that u need balls to be honest and say what is on your mind to the who ever… eventually you will be the only one who is talking and every one is going to throw that back to you.
. That got me thinking, do we really need courage not to lie?, I thought that it was usually the other way around. Why can’t I tell that I don’t like a person because …well…because for whatever reason I have (or don’t have). Why should I lie to a friend about someone because the concerned person and this friend are on very good terms…hmmmm…Needless to say this will lead me to maybe loose a friend but isn’t that better than just living a lie.
Well looks like I took up a complicated topic for my first article but it has always fascinated me that I proclaim to hate hypocrisy and sometimes find myself the biggest of the lot around. Hypocrisy is something every one indulges in. Claiming to have no problem to people being gay when you go about gleefully spreading rumors about a classmate being a lesbian in a derogatory manner to put her down doesn’t speak very highly of a person. Why cant you just go tell her that you don’t like “being greeted” that way? What’s stopping you? I can’t think of even one person who doesn’t practice hypocrisy except for one good friend. She talks her mind and avoids people she dislikes for various reasons. I don’t have to say she does not have too many friends but at the end of the day she has the complete respect of the few true ones left. I tried doing that once with a colleague (if I may say so) and he has hated me and my bluntness from that day on but I know he respects what I say more than the others coz I don’t suck up.
I guess it’s the basic principle of life… as you grow older; you lie more so that you can lead a life avoiding confrontation and also the possibility of the knowing what would have happened if you had said that and how different your life would be now because of that. Then after sometime, you will realize that your whole life has been a farce and try to be honest and suddenly have people accusing you of not being considerate to other people’s feelings. Everyone speaks highly of honesty and lowly of the people who actually dare to follow its path.
But to preach is not as easy to practice and I just hope that I can say my mind whenever I want and live to see the next day. Coz at the end of the day honesty doesn’t seem to pay too much in reality in comparison to sucking up …or does it?
I the words of Joe Fox (Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail) “..But then I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you’ve been meaning to say; the moment you say it.., remorse inevitability follows”. Maybe some places and sometimes you just have to shut up. Like now
ciao
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since may 23,2007
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